Horror Show

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall tonight denied been stressed in his role of football manager. "We've got a better recent record than the Phoenix who after the weekend must have thought it was Halloween" said Hall "and here we are and tonight and it is". Hall said he was keenly awaiting the new indoor draw to see if Rovers would retain their Division 1 status. "We know there is a lot of competition for the places but we're hoping our trophy winning performance will see us through". Hall said he was attending a curry party on Saturday night where a few beverages would be consumed. "I'm expecting Sunday morning to bring more horrors than this evening" said Hall "at the same function last year mixing a vindaloo with cocktails proved a scary combination". Hall said Charlie Smith visiting Wellington would also scare a few people but endeavours would be made to keep him away from curry or cocktails.

Hall Stressed

Zephyr Chairman George Nash said this morning that Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall must be suffering from stress after his after match comments yesterday. "I must say I'm worried he'll do a Mallard so we'll be offering him a few hours recreational leave" said Nash "he need to kick back and forget about football for a couple of hours". Nash said Rovers didn't currently have an employee referral programme and it was a major concern that the club had had a vacancy for a Swedish Masseuse for some months. "We're thinking a blonde support team member (pictured) would work wonders" said Nash "a half time rub would probably cause a few second half revivals". Zephyr Manager Hall could not be reached for comment but there were strong rumours circulating he might be taking a couple of hours off at the Thistle Hotel on Thursday afternoon.

Whores Have It

Zephyr Rovers lost their last game of the pre-season this afternoon at the Shed of Dreams. Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall (pictured) said he was disappointed at the result and said the marking was far too loose for this level of football. "Some of the guys think we should be pushing up more but the result of that is we're getting beaten by bigger scores" said Hall "the opposition had far too many free shots today with no pressure at all on the man with the ball". Hall said it felt like a shooting gallery in the Rovers goal and there was little he could do to stop the onslaught. "I guess the positive is we scored six and they have a very good keeper" said Hall "but the fact is we still need to defend as well". Hall said the speed of the Whores breaks were telling in the match. "These guys were fast and lethal" said Hall "they definitely have some speed in that side and that is why we can't get caught up field so much".

Final: Rovers 6 Whores 10

Exercise Your Groin

Ben White this afternoon pulled out of the match against Hayden's Whores for "medical reasons" after indicating he was under orders from his physio to exercise his groin for another week. "I don't his physio personally and I'm sure she is good at what she does" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall "but we now might have to organise a team night out at great expense to help Ben get his groin sorted". Hall said he he could understand such advise coming from a fringe practitioner but he was sure White would put his groin through its paces over the next seven days. "Let's face it their could be worse things to be told to do" said Hall "I mean if he'd gone to a reflexologist he'd be flexing his feet for a fortnight".

Whores For Rovers

Wellington Indoor sports have advised today that Zephyr Rovers last grading game will be against Hayden's Whores. "We've seen these guys a few times now so we know their game better than most" said Hall "and we'll be keen for a top game as we want to retain our Division 1 status and have a good lead in to the season". Hall met with Chairman Nash to discuss selection and they had decided to field all available players for this match. "It will be a good chance for a photo of the team" said Hall "and we can use it as a selection match as well for the first week". Rovers kick of at 12 noon at the Shed of Dreams and Hall said was hoping the fans would turn out for the pre-season fixture. "We'll be looking to play attractive football" said Hall "so we're hoping to get some attractive supporters along to out number the Whores".

Extra Training For Nash

Zephyr Rovers Chairman and utility George "Toe Poke" Nash has admitted he will be down at Shed 1 this evening for an extra training sessions. "We're getting the full squad back to fitness now and I'm feeling under pressure to keep my place" confessed Nash "I had a meeting with the manager yesterday and he suggested I put some extra time on the training ground". Hall said that the Shapeshifters team was having a run down in the Shed and he'd be going along to see if there were benefits in a regular Friday afternoon training run. "We've got to consider new ideas and this might help improve the fitness levels and perhaps even a few of the ball skills" said Hall "and if it helps George lift his game all the better".

"Baby Face" To Sprout Facial Hair

Zephyr Rovers defender Eddie Hussey has announced his entry into Movember to raise money for Prostrate Cancer. "I must admit I was surprised when I heard that Eddie could grow facial hair so we're all interested to see how far he gets in a month" said Zephyr Manager Steve Hall "certainly Chairman Nash is taking wagers that no one will notice the difference". Hall said Nash had unkindly suggested that Hussey had a baby face. "I know Eddie is our Rovers poster boy and I'm sure we'll be able to flog of pictures of the mo around Wellington nursing homes and make a bit of cash for charity" said Hall "Eddie is a legend in Molly Malones as well and he only has to walk in and the women start screaming".

Smith Coming Back

Former Zephyr Rovers "player" Charlie Smith has announced a visit to Wellington in April next year and says he will be buying the drinks all night. "Charlie says he has advised Mrs Smith that she won't be seeing him on the night of 11 April" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall "and if it is like his last shout I expect we'll be buying him drinks all night, not that I'm calling him tight". Smith is apparently burning off his air points but is looking for a game for the Rovers. "I've heard they still talk about my long range goal from a few seasons back" said Smith "the one where I curled it through the shed door from the other side of the harbour, right into the top corner". Hall said he would warn local establishments of Smith's plans closer to the date".

Squad Shaping Up

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall said this afternoon that Zephyr Rovers were shaping up well for the new season. "We have one grading game left before the new season gets underway but it looks like we'll have Ben White (pictured) back for the new season as well as the seven regulars from last season" said Hall "so I might have a selection quandary on my hands as sole selector". Hall said he hoped the team would benefit from having had a season in Div 1 and push for a top four place. "We won the plate trophy but we'd be looking to improve our number of wins as we lost narrowly on a number of occasions last season" said Hall "so with everyone available and the benefit of experience we should press on for a top four place this season".

No Bottle

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall (pictured) said today that the bottle throwing incident at the Phoenix match was a disgrace. "You don't see people throwing bottles at Rovers games, we're more likely to be throwing tantrums or losing our bottle" said Hall "I guess we're just fortunate to have passive supporters". Hall said that he was out of the bottle firing line up in the Deloitte Lounge, where applause broke out on at least one occasion after the Phoenix goal. "You could say the crowd up there wasn't into throwing stuff" said Hall "and they probably haven't seen anything fly out the window there since I dropped a cell phone accidentally there a few years back". Hall said Rovers were known for the occasional emotional response. "I want to get a video of George at full time" said Hall "he does get a bit passionate in some games".

Phoenix Return To Ashes

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall said today he was reevaluating the Zephyr defensive qualities after watching the Phoenix defense closely from the Deloites Lounge. " I reckon by comparison with that performance we're doing exceptionally well at Rovers" said Hall "and I haven't had time to hear what George thought about it all". Hall said he'd take Karl Dodd into the Rovers squad any day of the week but wasn't too sure if any other Phoenix player would get a start. "I know they are fully professional and all that" informed Hall "but you couldn't call that last goal a schoolboy error because even a school boy wouldn't do that". Hall said he went to Phoenix games to learn something but at the moment with Phoenix three losses in a row he wasn't learning much. "I might have to go and watch Team Wellington if this keeps up" groaned Hall.

Not BeforeTime

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall admitted this morning that he would be watching the Phoenix match from the corporate lounge after scoring a couple of tickets to the top tier. "I'll miss sitting with the fans down in the bowl" said Hall "but I'm sure I could become accustomed to sitting in a Corporate box regularly if anyone wants to invite me into one". Hall said he expected his elevated view to give him a clear view of any referee mistakes that might happen. "The beauty of it all is you can watch the game out the window as well as sitting next to the TV for replays" said Hall "and I'm sure I'll have plenty to say even up there". Hall said he'd finally relented and bought Beckham tickets as "we has beens have to stick together to stop the wannabes getting carried away".

Italian Formation

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall said this afternoon he was thinking of capitalising on the Italian connection by playing Rovers next game in an Italian formation. "We'll play a 0 - 0 - 4 formation with Chopper as the sweeper" said Hall "and the we'll break fast and score once and win 1 - 0". Hall said he was also looking at a deal with Watties to provide Spaghetti cans to the team before matches. "I've always admired the Italian game since I went to Napoli as a boy and nearly got ran down by 5000 Fiat Bambinas" said Hall "in fact that is probably the only team car we could afford right now". Hall said the team would have to take style lessons from John Cao. "I think George's fashion sense could be lifted a few notches" said Hall "that kilt is looking a bit worn to be honest".

Italian Fan Club

Zephyr Rovers have suddenly become popular in Italy and not it seems because Zephyr Chairman George Nash named his son Italian football legend Paolo Rossi. "It looks like we are getting a lot of web site hits because of John Cao" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall "it's a real pity that no one can kind find a photo of John that matches his pretty boy looks". Hall said one Italian fan sat on the web site for over an hour the other day. "I'm giving serious thought to starting the Italian section of our fan club if this keeps up" said Hall "I'll have a talk to Liz Pollock about changing her name to Liz Pollonie or something like that". Hall said he'd been to Italy once including a fleeting visit to Palermo. "We were going to send Charlie there to toughen him up but the big girl left for pansy Perth" said Hall "and I don't think Charlie was the image we were looking for as Italians have more style than him". Hall said Rovers would look to photoshop John Cao's photo to pretty him up a bit.

Robbed By Ref

Zephyr Rovers Chairman George Nash was furious this afternoon after Rovers got the rough end of refereeing decisions at the Shed of Dreams against the so called Dream Team. "We expected a bit of bias to be honest but that was the worst performance by a referee since we've been playing" spat Nash "every decision went against us no matter how blatantly the opposition pushed and shoved, and at one point they almost put Matty through the wall". Nash said he was amazed he'd kept his temper throughout the match the officiating was so bad. "I felt like an All Black there for most of the match and I expect this to be all over talk back tonight" spluttered Nash "so many biased decisions by the ref". The game itself was fairly even until the referee allowed a goal which had clearly gone through the side netting. "That was the shocker of shockers as it clearly didn't go in" said Nash "in fact Steve Hall was keeping and didn't even realise they'd awarded it until after the match".

Rovers 3 Dream Team 6

Plastic Pitch Controversy

Zephyr Rover Manager Steve Hall said today that Rovers were increasingly concerned about the surface at Shed 1 and wanted it replaced with a plastic pitch. "We've heard all about these plastic pitches all week that England is going to play on in Russia and we say what a luxury" said Hall "that sounds much better than a bit of old gritty carpet spread across concrete". Hall said David Beckham was welcome to come down to Shed 1 during his visit to Wellington and see if they wanted the Shed 1 surface installed at Wembley instead. "I think if Michael Owen thinks playing on plastic is a problem he should get dropped by some big hairy full back on the Shed 1 concrete surface". Hall said he doubted Beckham (pictured) would show up at Shed 1 as "he has enough trouble playing on grass".

No Cap For Hall

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall (pictured) said he'd missed out on a cap for Fiji and as a result was wearing his own cap around. "I'm sorry Fiji didn't see the opportunity for my international debut" said Hall "but that doesn't mean we're going to give the referees any chop when we play them on Wednesday". Hall said the opposition didn't even appear to have given their team a name yet. "They've been a bit slack in that department but we know their faces" said Hall "they'll probably call themselves something daft like Whistle Blowers". Hall said he had Chopper McIntosh breaking bricks on his forehead in preparation for the match but otherwise was doing nothing special. "Col has the head for it" quipped Hall.

"Best Week Of My Life"

Charlie Smith said he had had the best week of his life since England beat Australia to get to the semi-final of the Rugby World Cup. "After getting stick from Aussies all week it was sweet to have a win and a bonus that the All Blacks went out at the same time" said Smith "which only made it a formality that England would beat the Frogs". Smith said with the England win over France he could now have another week of celebration. "I'm worried what will happen to my liver if England win the final" confessed Smith "as I'll have to celebrate for four years as repeat winners". Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he understood Smith's feeling's as "it had been a great fortnight".

Cao Complains

Zephyr Rovers Striker come utility players John Cao complained bitterly this afternoon that despite him being a good looking guy, the media kept using a dodgy old photo of him that wasn't flattering. "I prepared to pose for a reasonable fee" said Cao from his usual Saturday morning beauty therapy session "I mean with all this fuss about Beckham visiting Wellington I want to show we have a few fashion icons here but all I get is this grainy photo". Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall said Cao shouldn't be to concerned he wasn't being compared to Beckham. "I couldn't possibly comment on appearances" said Hall "but John is probably the quicker on his feet than Beckham". Hall said no one in their right mind would want to be hitched to Posh either. "Posh would be a handful I'd imagine" said Hall.

Hall For Fiji

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall offered to stand in as Fijian goalkeeper as their World Cup Qualifier was postponed after the Fijian keeper was unable to enter the country due to visa problems. "It's a mystery to me why I've never made my international debut as I've been available for England at all levels since at least 1972" said Hall "but if I get a chance for a bit of free travel to the islands then I'm in for Fiji any time". Hall said he looked forward to seeing whether the Government blocked the Fijian rugby team coming to the Wellington sevens. "It will be interesting to see if it is one rule for football and another for rugby". Hall said he would have approached Chris Killen for a match for Rovers but New Zealand will be playing Fiji in Fiji at the time of the next Rovers game.

Long Leash For Chopper

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he would be keeping Colin "Chopper" McIntosh on a long leash for the Rovers game next week against a team that included several referees. "I know it is rugby referees that aren't popular in New Zealand right now" said Hall "but we've had a few run ins with referees in our time so it is going to be good to have a match against them". Hall said he had entertained asking for a neutral referee but as it was a grading game Rovers would take the "rub of the green". Hall said he'd issue Chopper with no special instructions for the the match. "I don't think anyone told Vinnie Jones what to do before a match and I won't be having a word to Chopper either".

Bunch Of Bankers

Zephyr Rovers opened the season account in a late game at Shed 1 with a sluggish win over ANZ. "We got off to a reasonable start but didn't go on with it" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall (pictured) "although I did enjoy scoring a few goals for a change and I recall George, Col and John all scoring rippers". In the second half Rovers were 7 - 3 up before a come back and a controversial penalty saw ANZ get right back into it. "We got to our four foul limit and the sting went out us a bit" said Hall "and the opposition suddenly started getting a bit uppity for no reason I could detect". The game was killed of with a Nash special and Hall said the the good bits were pretty good but performance was a bit patchy. "We can do better but it blew out the cob webs" said Hall "but I'll give goal of the day to Col who scored one when not even a quarter chance seemed to exist".

Final: Rovers 8 Bankers 6

Out For Months

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall today confirmed that whilst Ben White was on the come back trail, Steve Boxall was now probably out for the season. "I think it shows the benefit of having a few extra players in the squad as we seem to be getting a few more injuries up in the top flight". Hall said he may yet have to look to the transfer market to strengthen the squad but it was too early to over react. "I know New Zealand has been in mourning since the All Blacks lost on Sunday" said Hall "so we might have a look at if any of them have football skills". Hall said Rovers had learnt from the All Blacks that any team could choke on the day. "We'll be on the look out for that when we play the bankers tomorrow" said Hall "and in the mean time we'll put Boxall on beer tasting duties". .

White Back

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall said this afternoon that he expected ben White to make an appearance for the club in the second grading match. "He won't make the game this week against the ANZ" said Hall "said something about not wanting to play with a bunch of bankers". Hall said he had selected a solid line up for the match although Rovers would rotate the goalkeeper role and were treating the ANZ as a pre-season romp. "We'll want to win it as you don't through away games in this league" said Hall "and rumour has it we're playing the ref eres team in week two. Hall said the return of fit White would add another dimension to the Rovers. "Ben always says he's a good player when I see him" said Hall "and we'll make him our marquee if he scores a few goals for us".

No Rovers Teenagers

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he was impressed with Micheal Zuello and fellow teenager Robbie Kruse as the pair ripped the Wellington Phoenix to bits in an A-League match in Brisbane. "It was an impressive performance and I certainly thought about bringing young blood into the squad after that performance" said Hall "but I think it would upset the balance as it is really an old codgers team where players like George Nash are considered to be the youth development players". Hall said whilst there were younger teams in Division 1 he felt that Rovers had the right balance of experience and even more experience. "We don't lack for experiences" said Hall "and some of them have even been on the football field".

Rossi Who?

George Nash said today he was astounded at how many people had forgotten the career of Paolo Rossi after he named his son after the famous World Cup winning striker. "Paolo Rossi single handedly won Italy the World Cup back in 82" said Nash "remember that was the only one New Zealand ever got to". Rossi had been banned for two years prior to the cup due to a betting scandal and was described as "a ghost wandering about aimlessly" in the opening three games. But Rossi stunned the Brazilians with three goals before he went on to win the golden boot, the golden ball and the World Cup. "He had the form to play for Rangers and it is a pity he never did" said Nash "so we'll have to have another Rossi playing for Rangers although it will be a few years yet".

Rossi Of Rangers

Glasgow Rangers would neither confirm nor deny this evening that they had been receiving calls all day from George Nash, the Zephyr Rovers Chairman. "We might have heard from him a hundred times or so or we might not" said a spokesman for Rangers who did not wish to be named. Nash whose son Rossi was born only yesterday, is understood to have been keen to get his son enrolled on the Rangers junior development scheme. When contacted Nash said the media had their facts mixed up. "Look I know Rossi will play for Rangers eventually" said Nash "but at this point I'm looking to put him in the Ajax development squad as it has a good reputation as the best". Nash confirmed he had considered Jock as a name but knew Rangers were increasingly signing players with more exotic European names and Rossi was certainly a great footballing name.

Hall Congratulates Team

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall congratulated the Rovers team in taking out the final against Ten Left Feet at the Shed of Dreams yesterday. "I think this is a superb effort and I only wish I'd been there" said Hall "but I'll be flying out of Oz later today and have already begun plotting to go even further next season". Hall said the make up of the squad would need to be determined as injuries were now playing a role in selection again. "It would be good to see Ben White back in the squad and of course we'd like to keep the current team together" said Hall "but Steve Boxall is out for months and George might not be around much either so a bit of rebuilding might be needed". Hall said with three trophies now under the teams belt he'd like to see Rovers go on and win number four. "I think we have the capability to advance further but make no mistake the current top four are all useful sides and none of them will roll over and let us take their spot". Rovers await news of their first grading round opponents.

Champions Again

Zephyr Rovers acting Manager George Nash (pictured) said he was ecstatic that Rovers beat Ten Left Feet in the final of the Division 1 plate. "I think it show this is a club going places and we've now one the trophy that confirms us as the fifth best team in the league" said Nash "only four more teams to knock off and we'll be king of the pile". Nash said it would be the first trophy for Sponsors Zephyr after the first two trophies had gone to a previous sponsor. "We should try and get all trophies together for a photo shoot" said Nash "not that we want to go over the top or anything". Nash said the game had been a close affair and the result was achieved without and substitutes. "The lads came through today and it augers well for the new season" said Nash "and it was good to get another win over Ten Left Feet". Nash said he'd celebrate quietly with a few hundred beers.

Final: Rovers 7 Ten Left Feet 6

Good Luck Rovers

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall wished Rovers team all the best in the final against old enemy Ten Left Feet. "We once beat them in a Division 7 final so I wouldn't worry too much about recent results as the games have been close" said Hall. Hall confirmed he had finally got away from the beach to look at the Sydney indoor football scene. "Unfortunately it has reached 35 degrees here today and I was too hot to even go looking for an indoor football game to watch" said Hall "so I headed out to Manly to see if I could find any rugby league players to give a hard time". Hall said instead he found approximately twenty thousand people in the surf at Manly beach. "I've never seen a beach like it" said Hall "would have taken a bit to organise a game of beach footy".

Smith Declares Week Off

Former Rovers player and Australian recruitment agent Charlie Smith declared today he was taking the week off after Pompey scored seven goals in the Premiership this weekend. "We scored seven and it was a great performance even though we let four in at the other end" suggested Smith "and I reckon Rovers will win the final by something like the same score on Wednesday". Smith (pictured) predicted the media would trot out the pictures of him wearing a Saints uniform to try and denigrate the Pompey performance. "Frankly if we score seven every week I'd be happy to wear a Scum uniform more often" said Smith "after all my other team Perth Glory didn't do to well recently and I'm beginning to think I'll abandon them soon".