Serepisos Offered Help

Zephyr Chairman George Nash offered new A-League franchise Phoenix the full support of the Zephyr FC management team, saying that if their was anything Phoenix could learn from the successful Wellington indoor team then Zephyr would be only to happy to help. "We've obviously done quite well with two consecutive championships"said Nash "and we're currently on a seven game unbeaten run, so we know about the culture of winning". Nash conceded that his favourite other club Glasgow Rangers hadn't had quite the recent good fortune but he pointed out that he didn't have a major input into that club. "I know Terry Serepisos (pictured) has a bit of business acumen"said Nash "but we'll be more than happy to help him learn the ropes of football management".

Zephyr FC Manager Steve Hall said he'd be offering Phoenix advice one way or the other, but it would assist greatly if he got to sit in the same corporate box as Serepisos. "I know our club owner knows Terry so I'm sure things can be sorted out"said Hall "otherwise I'll have to be shouting my advice to the club from my seat in the stand". Serepisos was not immediately available for comment. Hall said Rovers would also contribute to the Yellow Fever site. "We'll try to help them get established as we've been going a bit longer than them".

Leighton Responds

Jim Leighton responded today to comments by Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall that Jock goalkeepers were suspect. "aye cannae see that he noows wot tees tawking aboot" said Leighton. Hall responded by saying he wasn't thinking of Leighton in particular who was probably the exception rather than the rule. "I think Brian Clough said it best about Jock goalkeepers, when he described Jim Leighton is a rare bird - a Scottish goalkeeper that can be relied on". Hall said he'd let George Nash play in goal for short bursts as he so far hadn't demonstrated the chronic handling problems of most Scotsman. "I'm keeping an eye out for that and if I see George showing the tell tale signs then he might have to stay out of the goal" said Hall "I'm also waiting for him to play like Gordan Strachan but so far no signs of that either".

Hall Sticks With England

After England struggled to a three - nil win over Andorra, Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall has abandoned plans to become a Scotsman. "I was looking around for a Tartan dress and I was just getting used to not wearing underwear" said Hall "but then England got back on the winning trail and I had second thoughts". Hall said there was a more important reason why he didn't change to the dark side. "I've been playing in goal for Rovers a fair bit lately and I woke up in a cold sweat last night after a bad dream" said Hall "I realised I would be becoming a Jock goalkeeper and we all know how bad they are". Hall said for the good of the team he needed to remain an Englishmen. "I'm from Stoke-on-Trent and where they've had player like Gordan Banks" said Hall "I didn't want to turn into a jock keeper because I'd let about five times as many goals in".

Wellington Phoenix Gets Nod

The Wellington A-League franchise was reported tonight to have continued the long tradition of giving professional teams daft names. "Well we were expecting Wellington City or Wellington Wanderers, or maybe even Wellington Zephyr" said Zephyr FC Manager Steve Hall "but apparently we're naming it after some gold and red mythical bird". Hall said he hoped the name didn't reflect that the team would be coming back from the dead every week. "We'll be there to support them even if they were called Wellington Weedkillers" said Hall "and at least Wellington Worms or Wellington W**kers appear to have been ruled out of contention". Hall looked forward to working on team chants before the season started later in the year. "I'm sure George will remember when Glasgow Rangers keeper Andy Goram was diagnosed with schizophrenia and the Rangers fans chanted There's only two Andy Goram's" said Hall "we'll be looking for a wee bit of quality in the chanting".

Barn Door

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall admitted today that he was looking at software called Barn door to help some of his players hit the target more frequently. "We've brought in a KPI that says that players should hit the target at least 50% of the time that they are in a shooting position"said Hall "and unfortunately a review of the last game suggests George (pictured) is hitting the roof 75% of the time". Hall said the software simulated a barn door with a goal post drawn the bar door. "It works a bit like the Wii where you kick the hell out of a ball and you see on screen whether or not it hits the barn door"said Hall "I got a bit bored with it when I hit the door a thousand times in a row but it should be good for George". Hall said he'd looked into alleged security concerns with the software but was satisfied there was no back door in barn door. "It's a safe as my goalkeeping" said Hall.

White Lightening

Ben White (pictured) was on fire today as he scored four goals to lead the way for a Zephyr Rovers victory over Solnet. This was a potentially tricky fixture with only four regular squad members available for the local derby against Solnet. "We had a few out and Andy Auer withdrew on the morning, meaning we had five players" said Hall "so I got a guy from work to stand in at short notice along with Pete Roberts who had agreed to play, and we had one sub". Pete Roberts was injured early on and an extra sub was gained by grabbing a guy who was watching the game on the sideline. "This was getting to be something of a makeshift team but Ben had one of those games where he carved through the opposition and slotted them in the corner"said Hall "and our defence held pretty well even though the team structure was a bit hairy at times". Hall said the sign of a good team was winning when conditions weren't at there optimum. Only two team have two wins" said Hall "so I don't think we have anything to fear in this league if we keep playing like this".

Final: Rovers 6 Solnet 4

McClown

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall said this morning he could understand the frustration of England fans after the draw with Israel. "I feel sorry for the manager Steve McClaren (pictured) who is now widely being called McClown" said Hall "but it just shows you how tough this football management business is, one day you're a hero and the next a villain". Hall said he was reviewing his support for his country of birth. "I'll be having a chat to George during the week to see what it takes to become a jock" said Hall. "I don't know much about it other than you have to wear a dress and eat sheep's pluck". Hall would be looking into whether there was such a thing as a vegetarian Scotsmen before switching allegiances. "I'd have to pick a club side to support as well"said Hall "not sure who it would be at this stage but I like the look of Queen's Park as they are the oldest club there I understand".

Climate Survey

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall (pictured) said today he was going to undertake a Zephyr Rovers squad climate survey to ensure the players were happy with the current management team. "I like to borrow ideas from the corporate world and having seen how these things work I think they are a winner". Hall said he'd provide a survey to each squad member and collate the results. Ït will be good to see what the players think of the current management style" said Hall "and of course I can drop anyone from the squad who isn't happy with what we're doing". Hall said he'd tell the players the survey was anonymous but the management team would track what the team responses were as otherwise "there would be no point in doing it". Hall said players need not be concerned as as long as they were happy they'd still be considered for selection.

Not Happy With Shed 6

Zephyr FC Manager Steve Hall said today that he was not happy with the increasing number of fixtures Rovers had scheduled for Shed 6. "It's no secret our that Rovers prefer the Shed of Dreams (pictured) as out preferred venue, probably something to do with that 10 - 0 drubbing we got in Shed 6 only six weeks ago" said Hall "and we've got a five game unbeaten record going now so it's fair to say we'd have liked to have been back in Shed 1". Hall noted that he hadn't played in the 10 - 0 drubbing so it may be that Shed 6 was okay and the team had just lacked his managerial insight. "What can I say on that one"said Hall "I'd like to think the boys have gone a bit better with my motivational pre-match talks and stunning half time tactical analysis, but the truth is that's only 95% of the story".

O'Brien Doesn't Predict A Riot

Sports Psychologist Liz O'Brien has made the unusual recommendation that Zephyr Rovers should change the club song from "I Predict a Riot" to something else. Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall explained that Liz thought that as the Kaiser Chiefs had recently become popular with their song Ruby, that maybe the club song should change to something more obscure. "Ï think Liz has been spending too much time tuned into the Classic Hits station" said Hall "as the Kaiser Chiefs (pictured) have probably been one of the biggest pop bands around for the last few years and they even won the Brit Award last year for Best Group". Hall said he liked the song and it reflected perfectly the ethos of founding members Charlie Smith and Chris Riddle. Ï know we've moved on a bit since the early days"said Hall "but we did have six fouls in that last game so I think we can still predict a riot". Hall said musically he preferred the Kings Of Leon himself but wasn't sure the bands lyrics were suitable for the Rovers younger fans.

First Up Win

Zephyr Rovers FC took a big step up to the higher league today with a good 8 - 5 win over TFT United. "I certainly noticed the standard was higher in this league" said Hall "one of their guys was trying to do drag backs although they never seemed to work, we've not been used to seeing anyone else but me try that trick". Hall said Rovers were pretty solid defensively in the first half and gave away very few chances at the back. "It is so important to get away to a good start defensively in these games as they tend to be very tight in the first five or ten" said Hall "it provides the platform for going forward and even a couple of goals lead can change the nature of a game". Hall said the standard of finishing was pretty high for Rovers in this match. "John Cao (pictured) was on fire for this match" said Hall "it's not well known he was going to stand down for the season due to concerns over his fitness, but on this performance the extra training has obviously being paying dividends". Rovers were 6 - 1 up at half time but soon incurred a sixth foul and automatic penalty. "I saved the first attempt and the referee made him retake it because he'd taken too many steps" said Hall " I was incredulous but then put the guy off enough that he missed the goal second attempt". The game was tight until the end but Rovers stayed at least three goals ahead all the way. "A good start and we have the local derby against Solnet next week so that should bring Shed 6 to life on a Monday morning" quipped Hall.

Final Score: Rovers 8 TFT 5

We're Ready

Zephyr Rovers FC Manager Steve Hall said his team was as ready for the challenge of Division 3 and the squad was looking forward to the challenge. "I looked good in training this week" said Hall "but George has a gammy leg and might yet have to hobble through the match, but I'm not expecting that to impact on his effectiveness". Hall said Division 3 was something of a unknown quantity but Rovers were a better side than when they started out three seasons ago. "I think when we off-loaded Smith (pictured) to Perth we made a leap forward" said Hall "and Charlie just sent me an e mail confirming that he's quickly become a Perth Glory boy". Hall said Rovers were progressing towards our vision and whilst he was disappointed not to get Rooney, he had every confidence that Smith has gone far enough away that he won't be able to agitate our referee for this match.

It's A-League For Wellington

Terry Serepisos (pictured) became a living legend in Wellington this afternoon when he bank-rolled the successful Wellington A-League bid for what was reputedly over a million dollars. "I've never met Terry as far as I know" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall "but he's welcome to ring me tomorrow to see what we can do about reactivating that Zephyr bid for Wayne Rooney". Hall said he and Nash had had discussions about buying season tickets and Hall said Rovers would like to work closely with the A-League franchise. "I'm happy to give Rikki Herbert a few pointers when he moves to Wellington "said Hall "he might not know where some of the bars are and like me he'll be wanting to keep his players out of them". Hall said that if Rovers were to go on and meet their vision of being best indoor team in Wellington by 30 June 2030, then a bit of loose change from Terry Serepisos would probably help the cause.

Hussey Has Quiet Day

Eddie Hussey said he had a quiet Saint Patrick's day, sharing it with about ten thousand friends at several Irish Bars. "I knew with a Division 3 game coming up on Wednesday I should go easy on the Guinness" said Hussey "so I didn't get to the pub until breakfast time and I left again by breakfast time, as God be my witness". Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he was impressed by the moderation Hussey had shown and said he was a role model to his fellow players. "Charlie Smith was a model of lack of constraint" said Hall "so it is good to see the Eddie buckling down now we're up in the higher echelons of the league". Hall said he knew Trevor Hose would have been trying to lead young Eddie astray. "I think the lad has shown real character" said Hall "although it's fair enough to be having a Guinness or five for breakfast providing it isn't match day".

I Don't Like Cricket

Zephyr FC manager Steve Hall said tonight that suggesting there was a World Cup or two going on this year was nonsense. "Take a look at this strange game called cricket that is having some sort of competition in the West Indies" said Hall "I mean it can hardly be taken as seriously as the real World Cup". Hall said it was good to see a few minnows in the competition and he predicted that Ireland would beat Pakistan and cause an uproar in the tournament. "I don't know why, but I just have this feeling the Pakistan team is going to be going home early" said Hall "it is kind of the same feeling I had when I thought we win the league those last two seasons". Hall said a wise punter would put a bob or two on Ireland as you never know what magic they'll do on Saint Patrick's day. "I'll be concentrating on walking down the street and truckin' right" said Hall "I don't like cricket as they have funny hair cuts".

Hall Fails To Sign Rooney

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall made an audacious move to sign superstar Wayne Rooney from Manchester United. "Well I figured we were now in the dizzy heights of Division 3 so we'd benefit from a quality striker" said Hall "but it turned out we were a few million short of Wayne's weekly salary, not to mention that Manchester United wanted something called a transfer fee". Hall said they'd have to soldier on will Col in a striking role with John Cao and Hall himself providing back up. "George fancies himself as Archie Gemmill right now after his four goals in the last game" said Hall "so it maybe if he keeps this up he might be adding value to the team". An unconfirmed source said Nash had suggested that he was the star of the team and would continue to put his money where his mouth was.

Oh My God - It's Division 3

Wellington Indoor Sports today announced that Zephyr Rovers were to go into Division 3 after John Cao (pictured) apparently had a word with the centre Manager. "It has always been our vision to be the best team in Wellington by 30 June 2030" said Rover Manager Steve Hall "but this is going a bit faster than I anticipated, we're already over half way there with twenty three years or so to spare". Hall said he'd expected at least Division 4 and maybe even five but suspected giving a Division 5 team a hiding would have repercussions. "Obviously I'm pleased we are still on track with the vision" said Hall "and no doubt a new fitness regime will see us in with a chance of a semi-final spot". Hall urged the squad to start running for at least five hours a day as well as doing a few hours of ball skills. "I think if we put fifteen hours a day in total we'll give this league a fright" said Hall "then again we'll probably give them a fright when George comes along with his shorts".

Waterlogged

After five weeks on lovely summer weather, the climate turned to custard today just in time for Hall to celebrate his birthday. "I went out at lunch and it the rain was driving up my nostrils at five hundred kilometres an hour" said Hall "I could only be grateful we didn't have a match today as running over to the Shed of Dreams would quite possibly have caused terminal waterlogging". Hall said his body was standing up quite well to his advancing age. "I think I only have four injuries at the moment which is an outstanding effort" said Hall "but as my employer has an interest in injury prevention, I'd just like to confirm that all of these injuries are in my head". Hall confirmed he was working on an intensive injury prevention policy for the Rovers club. "I'm going to drop anyone from now on who walks with a limp" said Hall "so I strongly suggest the lads do regular wrist exercises to prevent being caught out by this new limp policy".

Hottenham Tottspurs

Zephyr Rovers Supporters Club president Liz Pollock (pictured) was tonight defending Television New Zealand for calling Tottenham Hotternam on the evening news bulletin. "It was a bit traumatic seeing Tottenham blow a two goal lead for the seven hundredth time in recent years, but I don't blame Television New Zealand for not knowing the name of the club" said Pollock "for in my view any publicity is better than the publicity a club like Glasgow Rangers get". Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he wasn't getting involved in this discussion. "Port Vale aren't on television very often" said Hall "but at least no one is calling them Pole Vart or worse still Pole Fart".

Cakewalk

Zephyr Rovers marched past Division 5 Contact Fixed today to record their first win under the new brand. Zephyr Rovers Manager said his starting up named itself as only five players were available at kick off, although John Cao arrived a few minutes later. The established defensive pair of Hussey and White with keeper Hall barely let the opposition take a look at goal in the first half but Rovers took a while to get into their stride and were 1 - 0 up half way through the first half. But then the flood gates opened and Rovers were up five nil by half time and put another five in in the second half. "In honesty I don't see us getting as easy a game as this again for the rest of this season" said Manager Steve Hall "as although we played pretty well today with good passing, the opposition didn't really cover us as well as some other teams have". Hall said the danger with a big win is that Rovers might shoot straight into the higher echelons of lunch time football. "I think we should give Division 4 or 5 a try before we head off to blitz Division 1" said Hall. Hall said he had to acknowledge the performance of George Nash (pictured) today who put his head down and played football. "Looks like he's starting to get some match fitness" said Hall "and Rangers had a nice win over Celtic which no doubt made his day".

Final Score:
Zephyr Rovers 10 Contact Fixed 0

Messi Lesson

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall sharpened his managerial tactics this morning by watching the big match of the day between Real Madrid and Barcelona. "What a stunner of a game that was" said Hall "and Real Madrid provided some valuable lessons of what not to do at the end of a game where you have an extra man and are winning 3 -2 with a minute to go" Hall said Real could have sewn up the game by heading for the corner flag but lost the ball and got stung with virtually the last kick of the game and a great goal to Messi (pictured). "We've been hurt by last minute goals before ourselves so we feel their pain" said Hall "and we even play a bit messy ourselves on occasion". Hall said he'd just heard from former Rovers player Charlie Smith in Perth who was celebrating a Southampton loss to Stoke. "It's great that Charlie is still able to celebrate a win at the expense of poor Chris Riddle" said Hall "it just shows you the Rovers brotherhood stretches across the planet now".

Board Backs Manager

"The Board has every confidence in the Manager" said Chairman Nash after an emergency meeting to discuss selection policy. "I'm pleased the board backs me a 100%" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall (pictured) "and I'd just like to say I look forward with working with the Chairman to bring home another trophy for the Rovers". Hall said it was back to business now and his thoughts were focused on how to get the first win on the board as Zephyr against very highly rated Division 5 opposition. "To be honest I haven't been able to find any video of our opposition Contact Fixed" said Hall "but they came third in the league behind our old friend Matt Is Mad". Hall said he'd be sticking to his usual formula for this match which would see the debut of Craig Candy in the Rovers shirt". "We've got a strong team out for this one so it will be a good test of how well we'll go in a higher division" said Hall.

Selection Crisis

Zephyr Rovers almost fell off the rails today when intense discussions occurred over the method of selecting the team for each match. Chairman Nash said he had a new and improved selection method over that previously used successfully by the club. "I came up with a formula that seemed fairer to me" said Nash "and I suggest it is an improvement on the exisiting method where Manager Hall selects the team". Hall (pictured) said the proof of the existing selection method was in the two trophies that were already in the trophy cabinet. "Why mess with success" said Hall " we've had three successful seasons using the present selection method and it wins trophies". Hall said there were rumours that Rovers were destined for Divison 5 this season and Hall commented that he hoped he retained the confidence of his Chairman to manage the club as he saw fit.

Auer Gets Credit

Controversy swirled around the Zephyr Rovers camp this afternoon when Andy Auer claimed credit for the equaliser against Bombers. "I was hurt when I read in the media that Ben White had scored the winner against my old club" said a clearly distraught Auer "I figure I finally get my chance in the limelight and it is robbed from me by misreporting". Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he wasn't at the match due to his dodgey back, but believed the scorer had be wrongly identified by Chairman Nash in dispatches. "I think George got a wee bit excited being at the helm in my absence" said Hall "you know what the Scottish can be like at football matches". Hall said he was pleased to put the record straight and had heard Auer had had a stunner of a match. "I think we can give Andy Man Of The Match after the fact" said Hall.

Learn From Liverpool

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall paid tribute this afternoon to Rafael Benitez and his heroic Liverpool players after Liverpool knocked holders Barcelona out of the Champions League. "I think we have to learn form the likes of Liverpool although it seems kind of strange I was cheering a last minute Liverpool loss to Manyoo only a few days ago" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall "and now I'm just as happy they progressed in the Champions League". Hall said you were never too old to learn in football management and he was trying to create a learning culture as he endeavoured to steer Rovers to another Championship. "I think we want to be known as a centre of excellence even if I haven't spotted the Manyoo and Barcelona scouts at our matches yet" said Hall "but you never know who is watching and it could be any day soon that a big club comes in for a Hussey or a Candy".

No To New Club Song

Zephyr Rovers Chairman George Nash today expressed concern that the club song was 'I Predict a Riot' by the Kaiser Chiefs. Nash said he thought having a band from Leeds singing about what people did in Leeds was sending the right signals about the new Rovers. "I think George associates this song with Chris Riddle and Charlie Smith who have moved on from the club" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall "and he has suggested a nice Scottish band like Travis or Franz Ferdinand" Hall said he'd been too busy listening to the new Kings Of Leon album to get involved with thinking about a new club song, but he was confident that 'Why does it always rain on me' wouldn't be the new club song. "I don't mind the odd Travis song but let's face it they're hardly cutting edge" said Hall "and it doesn't rain inside the Shed of Dreams so I don't think songs about raining on anyone would quite work".

Rovers Fight Back

Caretaker Manager George Nash led the Zephyr Rovers to gritty come back for a well earned draw today at Shed 6. "We were up against it" said Nash "when I gave the Scottish rallying call and the boys pulled through". The day began inauspiciously when player/manager Steve Hall pulled out with a side strain and John Cao dropped with the flu. To the rescue came Toitu Te Whenua manager Dale O'Brien and Rovers had six to start the match. A cagey start saw a 3 - 3 half time score before the loss of Steve Boxall through injury saw Rovers down to the bare five. Bombers got a way to 7 - 4 in the second half but the Rovers brought out fighting qualities to peg it back to 7 - 7 at full time.

“We tried to take their players down the corner to places where they couldn't hurt us" said Nash "but our concentration dropped and we had to chase the game at the end" Nash said Ben White (pictured) pulled it out of the fire in the end with a great equalizer. "We're looking competitive with these scratch line ups against these higher rated teams" said Nash 'so we have to be confident we'll stick it to them with the like of Eddie Hussey and Craig Candy in the side".

Final Score: Rovers 7 Bombers 7

A-League Rovers??

Speculation was rife in the capital over the weekend that the new Wellington A-League franchise would be called Wellington Rovers. "I'm under strict orders from George Nash not to confirm or deny whether Zephyr Rovers have been approached about our name for the Wellington A-League side" said Hall "and George tells me that at this point I shouldn't speculate in the media whether Zephyr is the backer of the two million dollar a year Wellington based franchise". Hall said obviously as a successful club Zephyr Rovers would be happy to have an association with the A-League franchise. "At this stage we can confirm we'd be prepared to exchange tickets for our games with tickets for their games" said Hall "and we think at the very least we could become a feeder club for them, perhaps giving their stars a run in the Rovers from time to time". Rovers face a Division 5 team Bombers tomorrow in Shed 6 at 1 o'clock and Hall has withheld publicly naming his line up until match time. "We don't know too much about the Bombers but we're hoping they'll bomb tomorrow" said Hall.

Shirt Patch Announced

Reports leaked out of the Rovers camp today that George Nash was unhappy with the delay of the new shirts. "In software if we need to fix something we put in a patch" said Nash "so I got Colin McIntosh (pictured) to model a patch on his old Land Rovers shirt and I think you'll find the results were more than satisfactory". Land Rovers manager Steve Hall said he couldn't seeing sticking a patch on the shirt was going to work very well and he urged Nash to be patient and wait for the new shirts to arrive. "I hope Zephyr are talking to the new Wellington based A League team announced recently" said Hall "as I think we're on to something with this Zephyr branding". Hall was known to have a soft spot for the Zephyr name having once owned a Mk 3 Zephyr in his youth.

Rangers Colours Not On

Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall confirmed today that Zephyr Rovers would be wearing silver with black trim, resisting offers from Chairman Nash to provide a pile of his old Rangers shirts. "I wouldn't say George was fanatical about Rangers" said Hall "as he takes it far more seriously than that, but a move to Rangers colours is not on the cards". Nash said he had some new marketing ideas he'd be passing on to Heather Fernandes. "I been thinking about that bikini idea" said Nash in his Commercial Manager hat on "and it won't work as well as having the shirts modelled". Nash said the club had to look at ideas to broaden its appeal with the key 20 - 55 Geek market. "I think we're going after the technology savvy youngish male like myself who wants to see a bit more colour on the site". Land Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he thought Rovers should focus on football and if George got himself too distracted he was in danger of being rested.

New Shirts On Order

Zephyr Rovers Chairman George Nash (pictured) confirmed that Zephyr Rovers would be changing from the Emerald shirts of the Land Rovers to a new silver and black trim kit. "We think the new Silver Shirts with black trim will help Steve Hall's colour blindness problem" said Nash "he seems to have a tendency to kick the ball to the opposition and we figure he is so used to keeping hold of his silver that he might make the odd accurate pass". Nash said the supplier had yet to take hold of the shipment so the old shirts were being persevered with for a few weeks to come. "We'll probably donate them to the Irish Land Rovers Club when we're finished with them" said Nash "I've heard the Irish Rovers and boy do they need all the help they can get". Nash said he'd look into hiring high fashion models for the launch of the new kit in a few weeks time. "We're thinking bikini's here at the office" said Nash.