Rovers Thump TTW

Zephyr Rovers today put on a great display of attacking football to hammer Toitu Te Whenua by 21 - 1. "The stampede started immediately and we just kept knocking in the goals" said Manager Hall "Pete Roberts (pictured) got eleven goals and although I played in goal in the first half, I got four or five as well". Hall said the biggest cheer for the day was when Toitu Te Whenua scored their only goal. "They took their one goal quite well and had a kiss and cuddle for about three minutes to celebrate" said Hall " it was about 18 - 0 at that point so they were I imagine quite relieved, but ten seconds later it was 19 - 1". Hall said that it was good to see the passing in the game. "We played as a team throughout and didn't get carried away with individual dribbling" said Hall "it was speed of ball movement and good finishing that saw us through". Hall also confirmed he wore his underwear the right way around.

Final: Rovers 21 TTW 1

Same Old Rituals

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall said this afternoon that whilst he was expecting Rovers to give Toitu Te Whenua a hiding, he would still be going through his normal prematch routines including all his usual pre-match rituals. "I won't be doing anything special, just the usual stuff of praying towards Shed 1 eight times in the morning, having two poached eggs, tying my left lace first, bouncing the ball five times before I go on the pitch" said Hall "but I'm not crazy like Adrian Mutu (pictured) who wears his underwear inside out and I'm not doing a Peter Schmeichel and parrying exactly one hundred shots before every match". Hall said he wouldn't be taking on some of David Beckham's routines. "He apparently buys exactly twenty packets of noodles when he goes to the Supermarket and constantly rearranges cola tins in his fridge" said Hall "although I usually buy a dozen beer at a time so who knows if I'm going that way". Hall said as long as each Rovers squad member wore their lucky rabbit foot then Rovers should wallop Toitu Te Whenua.

Pollock Stunned

Zephyr Rovers supporters club president Liz Pollock was stunned today when her favourite other team Tottenham Hotspurs finally won something. "I've been told Liz was so stunned she hasn't been able to speak all day" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall "I mean she started the season just praying they'd avoid relegation and now they've won the tin pot cup, I think they call it the Carling Cup, or is that the Milk Cop, I lose track". Hall said he couldn't quite believe Spurs had made the final and can only think the win over Chelsea had some connection to Russia. "I'm sure there were a few bets on for the favourites Chelsea to lose" said Hall "it's about the only rational explanation for Spurs winning anything at all". A spokesman for Spurs said no one could believe the result and they thought in the circumstances that Toitu Te Whenua might even have a chance against Rovers on Friday. "Let's not stretch the imagination too far" said Hall.

It's Toitu Te Whenua

Zephyr Rovers learnt today they would be facing feeder club Toitu Te Whenua in the next grading game at the Shed of Dreams. "We've got a 100% record against that lot and we don't fear them" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall (pictured) "we know Alex Natelli can come up with some unusual tactics so we'll be a wee bit wary, but we'd have to hope to win this one by at least ten goals if they play their usual squad". Hall said it would be interesting to see the gulf between Division 1 and Division 9 indoor football. "We were Division 7 for a while so we know there are good teams in the lower leagues" said Hall "we just don't thing these guys are one of them". Hall said he wasn't expecting to eat humble pie after the match. "I'm not one to gloat" said Hall "but I'll be changing that policy if we win this one".

Vacancy

Zephyr Rovers Chairman George Nash admitted today that Rovers were offically on the look out for potential players who "would add value to the enterprise". "I think that's a funny way to put it" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall "we're basically looking for a gun striker who has a touch of Vinnie Jones in his make up and isn't a sook". Hall said that he'd settle for a budding Christiano Ronaldo (pictured). "He's a player that remind me a lot of myself" said Hall "that is he reminds me a lot of myself in my dreams where I score a hat trick for Man U against Arsenal in the Champions League final". Hall conceded the chances were slim of finding an indoor player of that ilk. "I think as long as we don't have to resign Charlie Smith then we'll be all the better for it".

Chopperless

Zephyr Rovers took on Meatballs yesterday at the Shed of Dreams without the services of Colin "Chopper" McIntosh (pictured). "It was a sad day for the club and I believe Nobby Styles sent us some flowers in recognition of the occasion" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall "we were a bit soft around the park to be honest". Hall said the late disappearance of Matty Cantwell due to pre-match tension, left Rovers with late replacement Jamie Johnston. "I think we know Matty has some unique talents in dribbling" said Hall "but let me tell you Jamie has the nest left foot I've seen since Stev Wooddin". Hall said Johnston cleaned up in the goal scoring stakes and gave Rovers soem go forward. "We were a bit iffy defensively and I had a a bit of a shocker as my hand is still a bit sore" said Hall "but I think we'll be entering into negotiations with the lad about joining the squad". So a Chopperless Rovers started the Chopper free era with a win.

Rovers 12 Meatballs 7

Jones Acknowledges Chopper

Former Wimbledon, Chelsea and Leeds United hard man Vinnie Jones acknowledged today the role Colin "Chopper" McIntosh had played in his career. "I don't think I'd have got quite the reputation I'd got if I hadn't had encouragement from Chopper" said Jones "I mean I got to be Welsh captain and it isn't everyone who can say that". Jones was also known for his tactics against Paul "Gazza" Gascoigne. "Yeah I learnt that trick from Chopper" said Jones "the key according to Chopper is to look inoffensive on the field as far as the ref is concenred" said Jones "but then to get a bit of quiet enforcement in on the sly". Chopper for his part was modest about his role in training Jones. "I don't recall talking to him" said McIntosh.

Tributes Flow In

Tributes have flowed in from all over the world after the recent retirement of Colin "Chopper" McIntosh. "He was the premier player of his generation" said Mrs Smith of Perth "in fact he was the only player of his generation". An Australian fan was said he was a legend in Sydney "I saw him in that film and can't believe he chopped his ears off" said Bruce Price of Bondi Beach "he was one you didn't want to mess with in the tackle". The referees association also issued a statement to the media. "We haven't had an occasion like this since Chris Riddle left town" said a spokesmen who did not wish to be named "we'll probably have a few quiet bubblies tonight, but we expect Rovers to find another hard man as they always seem to dig them up from somewhere".

Chopper Retires

Colin "Chopper" McIntosh announced his retirement from all indoor football this afternoon after yet another injury stuck him down in the friendly game on Monday. "Chopper has been a great servant of the club" said Zephyr Rovers Chairmen George Nash "we believe he began playing about the time football was invented and he joined Rovers very early in the club's history". Zephyr Manager Steve Hall said Chopper would be sadly missed as he had taken over from Chris Riddle and Charlie Smith as the player referees loved to watch. "He certainly somehow acquired a reputation with the referees" said Hall "although I'll remember the goals from oblique angles, particularly the one he somehow squeezed in from on the line near the corner". Hall said the club would be pleased to offer Chopper a role in the back room. "We'd love to see him in the back room cleaning boots or something but he might find that a bit of a come down after a glittering career" quipped Hall.

Bankrupt

Zephyr Rovers opponents for the first grading round Kiwibank had one players available at kick off and defaulted the match to Rovers. "Seems like they didn't find out about the match until the morning of the game so their playing stock looked a bit bankrupt" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall (pictured) "so we played a selection of players from the previous match along with the one Kiwibank players and we won reasonably comfortably". Hall said he forgot his court shoes and mistakenly tried to play in his outdoor shoes with cleats. "I had to resort to wearing my socks after I came a guttser when I slipped over whilst diving" said Hall "it spilled a bit of blood on the court but I got through somehow". Hall said it was nice to have a relatively easy outing against lower league opposition.

Gone Down South For A While

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall confirmed he had managed to get through Christchurch to be able to conduct his quick tour of the South Island. "Our flight got held up for several hours and we finally got to Christchurch not much before midnight" said Hall "obviously as a football manager I'm used to a certain amount of attention on the road but overall it was quite quiet". Hall said he wasn't staying in Christchurch so he had had to hop in a rental car and hit the road. "I screamed down the highway south a little after 12.30am and the only other thing on the road was a seemingly endless stream of milk tankers" said Hall "I had thought of bringing Rovers down here on tour but judging from this trip there is no one down here except about three farmers, tend of thousands of dairy cows and about a hundred million sheep". Hall said it was good to get away from it all for a few days. "It is quite therapeutic fatting around the South Island in a Ford Falcon XR6 (pictured) for the weekend" Hall confirmed "but I'll be back tomorrow for the Rovers opening grading game against Kiwibank in Shed 6".

Hijack Hits Rovers Manager

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall was scheduled to fly to Christchurch this evening on a weekend visit to look at football talent in South Canterbury. "I've organised a game on a back lawn near Winchester in South Canterbury" said Hall "but news has just come through that a mad women has stabbed a pilot and Christchurch airport is in disarray". Hall said he didn't expect to pick up any new players from the trip but it was a good opportunity to get out of Wellington. "I"m scheduled to go down on a late flight but it might be even later now as the airport is closed due to a bomb threat" said Hall "I'm sure this women is just trying to get in the news by holding up the manager of a football team". Hall said he had yet to be rung for comment from the major networks. "I'm sure Larry King will be trying to get through" said Hall "but otherwise I'll be trying to sneak through Christchurch without being hassled by the media". Hall said as his sister owned JAM TV he would most likely be providing comment to her about his "Intrepid Journey".

Day Off

Zephyr Rovers had the day off today due to the Waitangi Day holiday but Zephyr Manager Steve Hall used the opportunity to test out his injured finger with a return to goalkeeper. "Shapeshifters had had a one win and four loss record going into this one so I figured they needed some help at the back" said Hall "but we also got a few young guys in and as a result we steamrolled the opposition by 15 - 3". Hall said he was pleased with his performance in gaol and was unbeaten during the match. "I didn't have that much to do to be honest so the finger didn't get tested too much" said Hall "and then I had a run outfield and scored with my first touch as I ran over half way straight from our own goal area"
Hall said the score showed him the merits of teenagers in the team with their speed and skill around the pitch. "We won't be getting any young guys in to Zephyr, but we might have to ask George Nash (pictured) to act more like a kid, that might be the best we can manager".

Back Between The Sticks

Zephyr Manager Steve Hall said he would return in goal this week for evening league team Shapeshifters managed by Rob Purcell (pictured). "It is time to test the finger in combat" said Hall "and with Rovers not playing I thought I'd try it out in another team before risking it in a Zephyr fixture". Hall said Shapeshifters had been getting a bit of a hammering of late so he was expecting plenty of shots to save. "I think if my finger survives this sort of challenge then a Rovers game shouldn't be too tough" advised Hall "even during a bad Rovers game we have some defence". Hall said however were circulating that Shapeshifters had signed some new players. "There's a chance yet this one could be a bit different than usual" suggested Hall "it might just be a Shapeshifters revival this one".

Going Nuts

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall (pictured) admitted this evening that the complete lack of indoor football was driving him to nuts. "I know not being involved in the final series is bad enough in itself" said Hall "but going almost three weeks without a match is making me go mad, I'm in danger of volunteering for a game of Rugby just to get away from the TV". Hall said he was having a few back yard games but it just wasn't the same as letting loose in Shed 1. "It's great to let off a bit of steam in the Shed" said Hall "I've missed playing in goal and screaming at everyone".