Rovers Take Talented Ones

Publicity shy Astronomically Talented were today edged out by Rovers at the Shed of Dreams, but by considerably less than they were thrashed in the first round. "We'd been watching their results and we knew they were improving and had had some very good results" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall "so we weren't taking it easily by any means". Rovers leapt out to an early three nil lead before the team went to sleep defensively to allow the Talented two quick goals. "We had much more possession and territory and quite a bit of individual flair" said Hall "but when we turned the ball over we looked a bit ragged in turning to defend and they pinged in more shots than I wanted to see". Hall said things could have been worse but Eddie Hussey (pictured) did a very good job of last second shot blocking. "We're going to get taken to pieces in the semi-final unless we show more commitment to getting back and marking" said Hall "I lost count of the number of saves I made or shots that went whizzing near the posts".

Rovers 7 Astronomically Talented 5

No White And The Seven Dwarfs

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall confirmed the much anticipated return of former star player Ben White had been delayed further after he'd injured some other part of his body. "Ben hasn't played a full game now for quite some time and we think he must have taken up yoga or something and it is stuffing his body" said Rovers Manager Steve Hall "he used to be our key player and made the other seven squad members look like dwarfs, but now he is showing signs of old age". Hall said Rovers were missing Whites ability to hit hard shots into the net from distance. "Ben used to get over half way and let loose" saiid Hall "no disrespect to the current squad but they seem to want to dribble it into the net all the time". Hall blamed the influence of Cristiano Ronaldo for all the dribbling that has been going on. "I've watched Ronaldo play so often recently I'm even doing step overs in my goalkeeping area" said Hall "the boys need to study tapes of Peter Lorimer, even if he was from Scotland".

Cantwell Wants Alarm Clock

After failing to turn up to his fifth or sixth Rovers match Mystery Matt Cantwell has admitted he wants the club to buy him an alarm clock. Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall confirmed that they had got used to Cantwell's unreliability and confirmed he gets a surprise when he turns up. "I'm thinking of getting him an electronic bracelet with a global positioning system" said Hall "the idea is we could give him electric shocks remotely until he finds himself at the Shed of Dreams". Hall said they'd tried reminding Cantwell on the morning of the match but nothing seemed to work completely. "Matty has been known to arrive at matches after half time so you always wonder if he is coming late" said Hall "he's not a bad sub to have because once he arrives he always remembers what the ball looks like - so far". Hall said Rovers were looking for sponsorship for a permanent minder for Cantwell as "he may respond to a permanent flea in his ear" as nothing else seems to work.

Smith Tells Mrs - Still Alive

Former Rovers player Charlie Smith has finally told his Mrs what the rest of the world already knew - that he had purchased plane and ground tickets to fly to London to see Portsmouth play Cardiff in the FA Cup Final. "We were wondering what Mrs Smith would say after he broke the news" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall "but shje apparently approved as she knew what it meant to Charlie to see Pompey in the final". Hall said he doubted Smith would be wearing his scummer shirt to the big occasion. "If I didn't have the photograhic evidence I'd have never believed it possible Charlie would waer that shirt" said Hall "but if he wants to stay alive more than ten seconds I suggest he not wear it anywhere near Pompey or Cardiff fans". Hall said he'd usually support the underdog but as Cardiff were the opposition he was hoping both sides could somehow lose.

West-I's Wasted

Zephyr Rovers today comprehensively wasted West-I's in a Division 2 clash at the Shed of Dreams. "We were expecting the TV to be there to cover a star of the internet but it was surprisingly low key" said Hall "in fact once Jamie got up a head of steam he was unstoppable". Hall said West-I's turned out to be a bit like West Ham, lacking much attacking penetration. "Matty even forgot to turn up for the fixture, we think he fell asleep at his computer screen whilst studying how Riise managed to score for Chelsea with a close range own goal". Sometime Liverpool follower was out injured and therefore wasn't able to provide comment on why Liverpool scored an own goal under no pressure but Hall said maybe it was "Grobellar all over again". Rovers meanwhile never looked under pressure and George Nash even found time to score from a Hall delivered pass. "You know when George is scoring from near half way the oppo has gone to sleep" said Hall "and I'd have played a blinder if I'd touched the ball more than twice".

Final: Rovers 8 West-I's 2

Internet Star To Play Rovers

Zephyr Rovers match against West-I's on Wednesday took on a new dimension when it was announced that the opposition have signed the star of You Tube show "Blocker's Premier League Predictions". Keith Block the former Porirua City Masters striker will be turning out for the West I's side and is expected to add some charisma to their squad. "I knew Blocker before he turned Greek and went to Olympic" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall "he's the Porirua version of Matt y Cantwell only much much bigger". Hall said he had been watching Blocker's Internet show for some time and said their were things Rovers could learn from the Internet stars approach. "He doesn't exactly have a flash studio, in fact he sticks bits of paper on the wall as a back drop" said Hall "and it is a good reminder that Rovers shouldn't get too flashy in the match tomorrow as we only beat this team 5 - 2 last time round". Hall said he was confident Rovers had the team to take out the match.

Roberts Injured by Centipede

Pete Roberts was injured today in an outdoor match and will be out for weeks. "Apparently Pete was doing one of his step overs and tripped over a centipede" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall "reports directly from his team mates said he squealed like a pig for several minutes until the referee finally noticed him and got him to go and scream back in the changing rooms". Roberts is famous for his step over, a move that has frequently even sent him the wrong way. "I thing I saw the step over work once but it was largely because the wind was blowing hard and the ball accidentally went in the direction that Pete went in" said Hall "I guess you get it right by chance every now and then". Hall said his own speciality the drag back was of limited use as an indoor goalkeeper because "no one is allowed inside my penalty area".

Clean Sheet

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall said he was proud of the way the team bounced back in their fixture against Rothenbury Rangers today at the Shed of Dreams, keeping a clean sheet. "We were awful a week earlier but in this match Rothenbury were out classsed and never really got into the match" said Hall "and if I may say I must have been exceptional in goal because they never scored at all". Former Rovers player Rob Purcell was out with injury but Rangers played Dan Lee at the back. "In fairness to Dan he was easily their best player and if anyone was going to score for them it was him" said Hall "but in the end he had to resort to long range pot shots and fortunately I had them all covered". Pete Roberts was unavailable and this left the twin strike force for Rovers on Jamie Johnson and Matty Cantwell. "These lads both have tricky skills" said Hall "you just have to be sure they don't run into each other too often as the mazy dribbles have a certain random look to them". Hall said it was about his third clean sheet in indoor football.

Final: Rovers 10 Rangers 0

Sleeping With The Enemy

Zephyr Rovers players Rob Purcell and Dan Lee have been transferred to Rothbury Rangers who Rovers play tomorrow in a Division 2 championship match at the Shed of Dreams. "I understand the lads want to get more game time and that is understandable" said Rovers Manager Steve Hall "but it was a bit of a shock seeing them pop up playing for the team that we play this week". Hall said he thought both players would add something different to the Rangers squad. "The truth is Rob adds something to every team he plays for these days" said Hall "and it is usually in the form of bits of his body falling off his aging frame". Hall said he wasn't saying Purcell was past it but he was playing at his best about the same time as Sir Stanley Mathews. "I heard Rob used to clean his boots" said Hall "or was it lick his boots, I forget". Hall said he expected Rovers to over-power Rangers.

Few Changes Likely

Zephyr Rover Manager expected to field much the same line up this week although the return of Eddie Hussey would stiffen the defence. "We don't want to insinuate at all that Eddie is stiff" said Rovers Manager Steve Hall "it's more that the rest of the team looked a bit limp last week so anything else seems stiff by comparison". Hall said he'd considered extra training for the squad. "Yes I looked at the possibility of getting some fitness training in at the Black Harp (pictured) but unfortunately after last weeks performance I wasn't sure if the Zimmer frames would get through the door". Hall said he was confident the poor performance would be rectified in the next game. "Looks like there are two tough teams in this league and we should really beat the rest" said Hall "the challenge is to lift out game to get up to the level of the two teams that have beaten us". Hall said Eddie Hussey was believed to sometimes do sprint work at the Black Harp as he "raced through a Guinness".

Smith Leaves Town

Reports are sketchy of how former Rovers player Charlie Smith left town but there have been no reports of him having been arrested. "We heard he was last heard of singing football songs in the corridor of the Holiday Inn" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall "that sounds so typically Charlie that it is almost certain that he woke up half the hotel". Hall said Smith's whirlwind visit wouldn't easily be forgotten by the patrons of the Loaded Hog. "Charlie certainly has some moves on the dance floor" said Hall "in fact I'm not sure how the floor survives the punishment". Smith is believed to be heading for Auckland via Wanganui. "I'm not sure Wanganui will cope with Charlie" said Hall "he''s a bit exuberant for a small city".

Dance Away Smith

Former Rovers player Charlie Smith set the dance floor alight when he hit the Loaded Hog on Friday night. "I recall seeing Charlie on the dance floor at Mollies once, it was a sight you couldn't forget even when you wanted to" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall 'and he certainly was treating the Loaded Hog clientele to his own brand of feet shuffling". Hall said he had regrets that he hadn't selected Smith for the match against Hayden's. "I was worried Charlie wouldn't have been able to move fast enough" said Hall "but on reflection we could have plonked him at the back and that would have been an asset. Hall said he expected a solid defender would have cut back Hayden's goals by at least six. "I'm sorry but we have to go back to the basics and playing four poncy stars up front with me at the back isn't working" said Hall "the old two one one formation was proven over many campaigns". Hall said Smith disappeared from the pub and he lost him. "Charlie slipped out of the pub quietly" said Hall "never seen him do that before".

Demolished

Zephyr Rovers today paid the price for not following the Manager Steve Hall's pre-game instructions. "Firstly it's a bit difficult when two team members don't turn up before the match has started" said Hall "and the others disregard what we talked about before the game". However things got off to a farcical start when Hayden's scored after the ball hit the post. "The referee decided that hitting the post was sufficient to get a goal which is a bizarre decision" said Hall "but it was a taste of things to come as the whole game went to custard". Hall said unfortunately with what was already an attack heavy team, Rovers decided to almost abandon defence. "I don't think the team got it that you can't have four guys playing attack and no one coming back" said Hall "but you notice when you're playing in goal and the opposition keeps getting free potshots at you". Hall said Rovers had learnt the hard way before that you build your game on defence. "Unfortunately our main defender for the day was Nigel and I'm struggling to think when he actually came into our half" said Hall "we'll need to do much better next week as screaming for people to get back as the opposition pick their spot is not my idea of a fun lunch time".

Final: Rovers 4 Hayden's 12

Mystery Virus

Eddie Hussey will not be available to play for Rovers this week after being struck down by a mystery virus. "That's a strange way to describe Guinness" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall "but you can never be quite sure what those Irish put into those brews so it could be viral I guess". Hall said the Rovers squad had an unbalanced look to it going into a major game with old rivals Hayden's. "We have a lot of attack minded players and we'll need Nigel to step into the defensive role if we're going to have any chance" said Hall "playing the top teams is based on defence and we can't afford to be caught too far up the pitch". Hall said Hayden's had often used the quick throw out to their striker and Rovers would have to watch that. "I'll be telling the lads to watch him before the match" said Hall.

Never Fear Smith Is Here

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall said this evening he'd stayed up until the wee small hours to see Pompey qualify for the FA Cup Final. "Frankly West Brom played the better football and Pompey's contribution to the game was scoring a fluky goal" said Hall "but no doubt Smith will have a different account of the match when he arrives in Wellington in a few days". Hall confirmed he was not considering Smith for a starting position in the Rovers match on Thursday. "We're playing Hayden's in a top of the table clash and Smith I believe is out playing golf at Karori" said Hall "which is just as well because he wasn't getting a look in unless we were ten up". Hall said there would be a few quiets on Friday night to welcome Smith to town but he would not be going overboard as "we have Masters 1 the next day, football comes first".

Over Powered

Zephyr Rovers today gave Datatorque a lesson in pressure football as they converted a slender 3 - 1 half time lead into a convincing 8 - 1 win. "I'm really pleased with this performance as it was very tight in the first half" said Rover Manager Steve Hall "but we powered over them in the second half and they hardly looked like scoring as we got five unanswered goals past them". Hall said Jamie Johnson was a key influence as he knocked in several goals from difficult positions. "Jamie did really well bit in all honesty John Cao (pictured) has been our key player in recent weeks and we really missed him last week" said Hall " we seem to go better with John's influence in the team and he really holds us together as a unit". Hall said his goalkeeping was also steadying the ship. "I don't want to blow my own trumpet but frankly we looked shaky in defence when I was out injured" said Hall "but now we are starting to look solid again and one goal against is pretty impressive".

Final: Rovers 8 Datatorque 1

Crank It Up

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall (pictured) has asked his Rovers team mates to crank up their performance a notch for their fixture against Datatorque tomorrow at the Shed of Dreams. "We have a few players out tomorrow and we've had to resort to playing another Scotsman in Jamie Johnston" said Rovers Manager Steve Hall "fortunately the lad is quite quick and has a useful shot on him so he is not our usual sort of ring in". Hall said regulars Cantwell, Roberts and Nash were all out and it could sometimes be a battle with a changed line up. "We actually have a quality side out tomorrow but with a lot of changes you never know how we will go" said Hall "so I'm hoping we'll crank it up a notch or three and dispatch these guys". Hall said in term of the Championship this match was merely a curtain raiser to Hayden's one week later. "We need a win to be comfortable in the top four" said Hall "I'm not sensing any danger but the truth is the higher you finish the better once it gets to the semi-final".

No April Fool Joke

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall said it was no April Fools joke that former player Charlie Smith would be back in town inside a fortnight. "I know Charlie will be keen to give Liz and give her earful about Spurs tragic loss to Newcastle yesterday" said Hall "so if she stays away then Charlie will probably get about two people turning up to his 'shout', in other words you get to go out and buy him drinks". Hall said Smith was hoping to play for Rovers but would be put through a fitness test. "If he can get up Mt Vic and back in ten minute with rocks tied to his legs we'll give him a game" said Hall "although it now seems he is taking my example and bolting to the nearest golf course for a round instead". Hall said authorities had been warned about Smith's pending arrival in the city and bouncers would be placed on high alert.