Rovers Take Talented Ones

Publicity shy Astronomically Talented were today edged out by Rovers at the Shed of Dreams, but by considerably less than they were thrashed in the first round. "We'd been watching their results and we knew they were improving and had had some very good results" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall "so we weren't taking it easily by any means". Rovers leapt out to an early three nil lead before the team went to sleep defensively to allow the Talented two quick goals. "We had much more possession and territory and quite a bit of individual flair" said Hall "but when we turned the ball over we looked a bit ragged in turning to defend and they pinged in more shots than I wanted to see". Hall said things could have been worse but Eddie Hussey (pictured) did a very good job of last second shot blocking. "We're going to get taken to pieces in the semi-final unless we show more commitment to getting back and marking" said Hall "I lost count of the number of saves I made or shots that went whizzing near the posts".

Rovers 7 Astronomically Talented 5

No White And The Seven Dwarfs

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall confirmed the much anticipated return of former star player Ben White had been delayed further after he'd injured some other part of his body. "Ben hasn't played a full game now for quite some time and we think he must have taken up yoga or something and it is stuffing his body" said Rovers Manager Steve Hall "he used to be our key player and made the other seven squad members look like dwarfs, but now he is showing signs of old age". Hall said Rovers were missing Whites ability to hit hard shots into the net from distance. "Ben used to get over half way and let loose" saiid Hall "no disrespect to the current squad but they seem to want to dribble it into the net all the time". Hall blamed the influence of Cristiano Ronaldo for all the dribbling that has been going on. "I've watched Ronaldo play so often recently I'm even doing step overs in my goalkeeping area" said Hall "the boys need to study tapes of Peter Lorimer, even if he was from Scotland".

Cantwell Wants Alarm Clock

After failing to turn up to his fifth or sixth Rovers match Mystery Matt Cantwell has admitted he wants the club to buy him an alarm clock. Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall confirmed that they had got used to Cantwell's unreliability and confirmed he gets a surprise when he turns up. "I'm thinking of getting him an electronic bracelet with a global positioning system" said Hall "the idea is we could give him electric shocks remotely until he finds himself at the Shed of Dreams". Hall said they'd tried reminding Cantwell on the morning of the match but nothing seemed to work completely. "Matty has been known to arrive at matches after half time so you always wonder if he is coming late" said Hall "he's not a bad sub to have because once he arrives he always remembers what the ball looks like - so far". Hall said Rovers were looking for sponsorship for a permanent minder for Cantwell as "he may respond to a permanent flea in his ear" as nothing else seems to work.

Smith Tells Mrs - Still Alive

Former Rovers player Charlie Smith has finally told his Mrs what the rest of the world already knew - that he had purchased plane and ground tickets to fly to London to see Portsmouth play Cardiff in the FA Cup Final. "We were wondering what Mrs Smith would say after he broke the news" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall "but shje apparently approved as she knew what it meant to Charlie to see Pompey in the final". Hall said he doubted Smith would be wearing his scummer shirt to the big occasion. "If I didn't have the photograhic evidence I'd have never believed it possible Charlie would waer that shirt" said Hall "but if he wants to stay alive more than ten seconds I suggest he not wear it anywhere near Pompey or Cardiff fans". Hall said he'd usually support the underdog but as Cardiff were the opposition he was hoping both sides could somehow lose.

West-I's Wasted

Zephyr Rovers today comprehensively wasted West-I's in a Division 2 clash at the Shed of Dreams. "We were expecting the TV to be there to cover a star of the internet but it was surprisingly low key" said Hall "in fact once Jamie got up a head of steam he was unstoppable". Hall said West-I's turned out to be a bit like West Ham, lacking much attacking penetration. "Matty even forgot to turn up for the fixture, we think he fell asleep at his computer screen whilst studying how Riise managed to score for Chelsea with a close range own goal". Sometime Liverpool follower was out injured and therefore wasn't able to provide comment on why Liverpool scored an own goal under no pressure but Hall said maybe it was "Grobellar all over again". Rovers meanwhile never looked under pressure and George Nash even found time to score from a Hall delivered pass. "You know when George is scoring from near half way the oppo has gone to sleep" said Hall "and I'd have played a blinder if I'd touched the ball more than twice".

Final: Rovers 8 West-I's 2

Internet Star To Play Rovers

Zephyr Rovers match against West-I's on Wednesday took on a new dimension when it was announced that the opposition have signed the star of You Tube show "Blocker's Premier League Predictions". Keith Block the former Porirua City Masters striker will be turning out for the West I's side and is expected to add some charisma to their squad. "I knew Blocker before he turned Greek and went to Olympic" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall "he's the Porirua version of Matt y Cantwell only much much bigger". Hall said he had been watching Blocker's Internet show for some time and said their were things Rovers could learn from the Internet stars approach. "He doesn't exactly have a flash studio, in fact he sticks bits of paper on the wall as a back drop" said Hall "and it is a good reminder that Rovers shouldn't get too flashy in the match tomorrow as we only beat this team 5 - 2 last time round". Hall said he was confident Rovers had the team to take out the match.

Roberts Injured by Centipede

Pete Roberts was injured today in an outdoor match and will be out for weeks. "Apparently Pete was doing one of his step overs and tripped over a centipede" said Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall "reports directly from his team mates said he squealed like a pig for several minutes until the referee finally noticed him and got him to go and scream back in the changing rooms". Roberts is famous for his step over, a move that has frequently even sent him the wrong way. "I thing I saw the step over work once but it was largely because the wind was blowing hard and the ball accidentally went in the direction that Pete went in" said Hall "I guess you get it right by chance every now and then". Hall said his own speciality the drag back was of limited use as an indoor goalkeeper because "no one is allowed inside my penalty area".