Wellington Phoenix Gets Nod

The Wellington A-League franchise was reported tonight to have continued the long tradition of giving professional teams daft names. "Well we were expecting Wellington City or Wellington Wanderers, or maybe even Wellington Zephyr" said Zephyr FC Manager Steve Hall "but apparently we're naming it after some gold and red mythical bird". Hall said he hoped the name didn't reflect that the team would be coming back from the dead every week. "We'll be there to support them even if they were called Wellington Weedkillers" said Hall "and at least Wellington Worms or Wellington W**kers appear to have been ruled out of contention". Hall looked forward to working on team chants before the season started later in the year. "I'm sure George will remember when Glasgow Rangers keeper Andy Goram was diagnosed with schizophrenia and the Rangers fans chanted There's only two Andy Goram's" said Hall "we'll be looking for a wee bit of quality in the chanting".

Barn Door

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall admitted today that he was looking at software called Barn door to help some of his players hit the target more frequently. "We've brought in a KPI that says that players should hit the target at least 50% of the time that they are in a shooting position"said Hall "and unfortunately a review of the last game suggests George (pictured) is hitting the roof 75% of the time". Hall said the software simulated a barn door with a goal post drawn the bar door. "It works a bit like the Wii where you kick the hell out of a ball and you see on screen whether or not it hits the barn door"said Hall "I got a bit bored with it when I hit the door a thousand times in a row but it should be good for George". Hall said he'd looked into alleged security concerns with the software but was satisfied there was no back door in barn door. "It's a safe as my goalkeeping" said Hall.

White Lightening

Ben White (pictured) was on fire today as he scored four goals to lead the way for a Zephyr Rovers victory over Solnet. This was a potentially tricky fixture with only four regular squad members available for the local derby against Solnet. "We had a few out and Andy Auer withdrew on the morning, meaning we had five players" said Hall "so I got a guy from work to stand in at short notice along with Pete Roberts who had agreed to play, and we had one sub". Pete Roberts was injured early on and an extra sub was gained by grabbing a guy who was watching the game on the sideline. "This was getting to be something of a makeshift team but Ben had one of those games where he carved through the opposition and slotted them in the corner"said Hall "and our defence held pretty well even though the team structure was a bit hairy at times". Hall said the sign of a good team was winning when conditions weren't at there optimum. Only two team have two wins" said Hall "so I don't think we have anything to fear in this league if we keep playing like this".

Final: Rovers 6 Solnet 4

McClown

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall said this morning he could understand the frustration of England fans after the draw with Israel. "I feel sorry for the manager Steve McClaren (pictured) who is now widely being called McClown" said Hall "but it just shows you how tough this football management business is, one day you're a hero and the next a villain". Hall said he was reviewing his support for his country of birth. "I'll be having a chat to George during the week to see what it takes to become a jock" said Hall. "I don't know much about it other than you have to wear a dress and eat sheep's pluck". Hall would be looking into whether there was such a thing as a vegetarian Scotsmen before switching allegiances. "I'd have to pick a club side to support as well"said Hall "not sure who it would be at this stage but I like the look of Queen's Park as they are the oldest club there I understand".

Climate Survey

Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall (pictured) said today he was going to undertake a Zephyr Rovers squad climate survey to ensure the players were happy with the current management team. "I like to borrow ideas from the corporate world and having seen how these things work I think they are a winner". Hall said he'd provide a survey to each squad member and collate the results. Ït will be good to see what the players think of the current management style" said Hall "and of course I can drop anyone from the squad who isn't happy with what we're doing". Hall said he'd tell the players the survey was anonymous but the management team would track what the team responses were as otherwise "there would be no point in doing it". Hall said players need not be concerned as as long as they were happy they'd still be considered for selection.

Not Happy With Shed 6

Zephyr FC Manager Steve Hall said today that he was not happy with the increasing number of fixtures Rovers had scheduled for Shed 6. "It's no secret our that Rovers prefer the Shed of Dreams (pictured) as out preferred venue, probably something to do with that 10 - 0 drubbing we got in Shed 6 only six weeks ago" said Hall "and we've got a five game unbeaten record going now so it's fair to say we'd have liked to have been back in Shed 1". Hall noted that he hadn't played in the 10 - 0 drubbing so it may be that Shed 6 was okay and the team had just lacked his managerial insight. "What can I say on that one"said Hall "I'd like to think the boys have gone a bit better with my motivational pre-match talks and stunning half time tactical analysis, but the truth is that's only 95% of the story".

O'Brien Doesn't Predict A Riot

Sports Psychologist Liz O'Brien has made the unusual recommendation that Zephyr Rovers should change the club song from "I Predict a Riot" to something else. Zephyr Rovers Manager Steve Hall explained that Liz thought that as the Kaiser Chiefs had recently become popular with their song Ruby, that maybe the club song should change to something more obscure. "Ï think Liz has been spending too much time tuned into the Classic Hits station" said Hall "as the Kaiser Chiefs (pictured) have probably been one of the biggest pop bands around for the last few years and they even won the Brit Award last year for Best Group". Hall said he liked the song and it reflected perfectly the ethos of founding members Charlie Smith and Chris Riddle. Ï know we've moved on a bit since the early days"said Hall "but we did have six fouls in that last game so I think we can still predict a riot". Hall said musically he preferred the Kings Of Leon himself but wasn't sure the bands lyrics were suitable for the Rovers younger fans.